Life After the 12 Steps

You know I used to be a power blogger and now I have to do this weird thing where I think for a while, sometimes a month or 2 before posting something.  Is this some sign of maturity?  A sign of truly embracing personal autonomy?  Or maybe I just don’t have as much to say to random people anymore.  Each week isn’t spent marinating in listening to other peoples random thoughts and musings for hours.  Every week I generally keep my opinions about life, love, booze, politics, TV shows, or the state of the world to myself with the exception of the spouse, selected family members, and my closest friends.  And even then I have been saying a lot more “oh really” or “I don’t know” or “I don’t feel like talking about that.”  Mainly though I just don’t say much at all.  And honestly…it’s awesome!

Read this recently on the International Cultic Studies website:

Insight into this relationship may be gained from a comparison with the sponsorship of a new recruit by an established member of Alcoholics Anonymous, the charismatic-like group founded by Bill W.[45] Alcoholics Anonymous does not promote sexual relations between its members, but its system of sponsors acts to instruct the recruit in the messages and rituals of the group and reinforces dependency upon it. The sponsor, someone who struggles against alcoholism and, with the group’s support, remains sober, instructs the recruit in its practices and beliefs. In return, the sponsor’s own commitment to sobriety and the group is confirmed by the recruit’s repeated narrative of personal degradation while under the influence of alcohol and by the redemption and hope derived from joining the group. Over time, the recruit adopts its message and becomes dependent upon the group which, for its part, is reluctant to let the recruit leave.

Message adoption.  System of sponsors.  Instructs recruit in practices and beliefs.  Repeated narrative of personal degradation.  Redemption.  Hope.  Charismatic-like group.  Becomes dependent. Reluctant to leave.

Well no wonder I feel a bit more quiet these days.  After leaving a nearly 23 year long relationship with 12 step “Recovery” which is nothing more than a modern day cult (or cults) at long last I feel free in every way a person could be.  Some days are still challenging and it feels like my mind and my lifestyle are still deprograming but every single day I feel truly grateful and not just the type of gratitude one has when they’re made to feel guilty by another group member for being “selfish, self centered, and discontent.”

At this point I haven’t decided how in depth I wish to write on this blog or in another format on my time in AA and Al-Anon.  Over half my life is a long time to champion the 12 step cause; and having clear, unspoiled, truly sober understanding of this part of my life has been needed so I don’t come off around it as resentful, sick, or, quite frankly, alcoholic.  Because when people tell the truth about why they left 12 steps or why it didn’t work for them, or why they disagree with it, a slew of pronouncements about the character of the teller befall them, usually behind their backs.  Sometimes there are public pronouncements but only if the AMA has signed off on the same prescribed “medical” theory.

uniquelyunqualified

What I can say now with all clear-headedness is that after 23 years in 12 steps I never felt truly comfortable in it.  There was only a brief time of a few months, where I actually once in a while enjoyed a meeting.  It was after I got sick with chronic illness and I became bed bound for a year.  During that year meetings once a week was my only social life for a time.

Other than that meetings were generally something I endured because I thought I might die if I didn’t go to them.  That death would come if I didn’t get a sponsor, become a sponsor, work the 12 steps, and go to LOTS and LOTS of meetings.  Jails, institutions or DEATH.  If I didn’t do “A” I’d get “B”.  Talk about black and white thinking!

Being 18 years old when I first came into the program (upon reflection I realized one day how sinister that sounds…”The Program”) it seemed like a good philosophy to do some certain things so I could basically become a replica of a nice, normal, happy person.  That I could have a good life if I just did X and then shared X with everyone at the place where we often do X.  It was even good to share about X with others outside of meetings because after all everyone wants to be a replica of someone nice, happy, and normal.  Why wouldn’t a teen ascribe to such a philosophy?  Especially if already exposed to the doctrine of Self-Esteem (A.K.A the Pre and Post-Millennial’s Guide to Global Domination via New Age Oneness inspired by Mystery Babylon or the “If You Don’t Agree That All is God and You Are God Then You’ll Be Eliminated” Movement.)

It took learning about the real origins of AA and it’s predecessor The Oxford Group, along with studying AA’s own texts along with the texts of other 12 step groups, that got me questioning.  Sadly most folks have been duped into believing AA started out as a noble Christian fellowship that embraced values of autonomy, spirituality, and willful corporate poverty.  It was on closer inspection- from drug fiend Aldous Huxley’s writing for the Grapevine, to Sister Francis’ Joy Farm that the Wilson’s frequented, to the Swedenborgian apostate influence, to devotee and writer Ernest Kurtz noting “that Bill at times conflated spiritualism with spirituality, sometimes using the terms interchangeably”- that something began to seem fishy.

Having read and reread AA and Al-Anon literature I thought I knew what it really said.  But did I?

Speaking at a dinner given by John D. Rockefeller Jr. to introduce Alcoholics Anonymous to some of his friends, Dr. Harry Emerson Fosdick remarked:

I think that psychologically speaking there is a point of advantage in the approach that is being made in this movement that cannot be duplicated.  I suspect that if it is wisely handled-and it seems to be in wise and prudent hands-there are doors of opportunity ahead of this project that may surpass our capacities to imagine.” p. 574

Mr. Emerson as you may not know was a key player in happily attempting to destroy “fundamentalist Christianity” and Mr. J. Rockefeller (the same man that held that dinner for AA) financially helped Fosdick build a church and distribute 13,000 pamphlets of his sermon “Shall the Fundamentalists Win?”

Of course that’s one tiny example of a “say whaaat?” moment where I wondered just who the influential people were in early AA and what they stood for and how much such philosophies may have made it into the AA Big Book and other texts from various 12 step societies.  After looking into this aspect for a couple years I came to realize many of the allusions made in 12 step literature were strikingly against my own moral and religious convictions.

say-what

Then came the day I just finally stopped going.  It wasn’t an actual decision like “starting NOW I’m no longer a member.”  At some point before Christmas last year I just knew I couldn’t volunteer for the holiday phone lines because I could no longer proselytize the 12 step rhetoric to someone who may be vulnerable to what I saw as something potentially unhelpful.  Or at least something I knew I no longer believed in and was possibly dangerous for some if not all people, especially ones who may not even be alcoholic.

Then I looked into the origins of the modern day Alcoholism-as-disease movement including E. M. Jellinek’s (a man who never even graduated from college yet is referred to even now as a doctor) study of alcoholics and his theory adoption by Rockefeller funded research center(s) headed by AA luminaries.

One day I was ready of test AA’s theory about my own supposed disease.   After some thought it occurred to me that if I wanted… I could actually try a drink.  There was no invisible death threat anymore and if I did drink and become what all those years I was told I was (otherwise I wouldn’t have been in such rooms in the 1st place right?) then they were right and that was that.  So a few weeks later I told my spouse I may want to try a drink some day.  Weeks later I was ready and as we left the house for dinner I said “I’d like to try a little bit of beer.”  That night I had 2oz of a sour beer that had ginger and lime.  It was delicious and though I thought I hated the taste of beer, I knew I liked the taste of this.  So we split one more 2oz taster of beer.  And that was that.  No obsession, no drunken debauchery, and almost no fanfare.

Slowly over a period of almost 8 months I’ve worked my way up to having…a beer or glass of wine a few times a week.  Last week I had my 1st margarita ever (delicious) and a few weeks ago I actually celebrated Vodka day (thanks to a client telling me that day was Vodka day) with my 1st vodka tonic (also delicious).  Did I have a 2nd margarita or vodka tonic?  No.  Did I have a follow up beer?  No.  Is it hard to limit myself to one drink?  No.  Have I ever had more than one in a setting? Why yes.  Since March there have been 3 times I’ve had 3 drinks in one setting, always with friends and always over the course of 3-5 hours.  Do I sometimes wish most alcohol drinks had less alcohol in them so I could drink them all night? Yes.  Why?  Because some beers, wines, and mixed drinks are delicious!  But alas I’m the queen of pacing when I drink (I didn’t know this about myself until my wife pointed out I’m usually the one to finish a drink last) so I don’t drink as much as my mouth desires in terms of flavor satisfaction.  Why?  Because I don’t like feeling tipsy.  So no…I’m not an alcoholic.

When I broke the news to my therapist that I left 12 steps and drink regularly he said “I never thought you were an alcoholic in the first place.”  Though apparently he didn’t feel it was his place to “redefine my reality” it would have perhaps saved me some time to know he thought that.  Anyway he saw my leaving 12 steps behind as move in the right direction and a sign that I’m finally…being…as Shakespeare put it “to thine own self be true.”  For me though, being true to myself is secondary.

Being true to God is most important though I cannot guarantee I’m free of sin. However I am free of a set of principles based on hated of fundamentalists (black & white thinking is bad), embracing of spiritualism (The 12×12 was channeled by Bill W.), manipulation (we’ll love you until you love yourself…unless you disagree with us), and faulty science. I’m free of a movement that takes vulnerable people, especially young persons and convinces them they are diseased to the point of death and have no choice but to succumb to the principles previously mentioned.  And finally I’m free of an ever expanding cultural hoax that serves to create dependency on sponsors, recruiters, 12 step literature, and group-think.

Sometimes I wonder if my 23 years of discomfort in “recovery” was a blessing.  In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians (6:12 KJV) he wrote:

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

My restlessness and wrestling with 12 steps I feel now was based on my discomfort of the inherent lies and cult workings of a self-propelled movement that is a type or precursor for a type of universalist spirituality that is ultimately not of God and not good either.  But I take comfort in Paul’s letter to the Romans (8:37-39 KJV) where he said:

Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.  For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Our household at long last has moved on and away from any and all things 12 step related.  It’s been one of our greatest blessings.

Here is some food for thought about how cults operate.  Each of the eight points below has a part that reflects 12 step indoctrination at some level, at least in my experience.

Dr. Robert J. Lifton’s Eight Criteria for Thought Reform

  1. Milieu Control.  This involves the control of information and communication both within the environment and, ultimately, within the individual, resulting in a significant degree of isolation from society at large.

  2. Mystical Manipulation.  There is manipulation of experiences that appear spontaneous but in fact were planned and orchestrated by the group or its leaders in order to demonstrate divine authority or spiritual advancement or some special gift or talent that will then allow the leader to reinterpret events, scripture, and experiences as he or she wishes. 
  3. Demand for Purity.  The world is viewed as black and white and the members are constantly exhorted to conform to the ideology of the group and strive for perfection.  The induction of guilt and/or shame is a powerful control device used here. 
  4. Confession.  Sins, as defined by the group, are to be confessed either to a personal monitor or publicly to the group.  There is no confidentiality; members’ “sins,” “attitudes,” and “faults” are discussed and exploited by the leaders. 
  5. Sacred Science.  The group’s doctrine or ideology is considered to be the ultimate Truth, beyond all questioning or dispute.  Truth is not to be found outside the group.  The leader, as the spokesperson for God or for all humanity, is likewise above criticism. 
  6. Loading the Language.  The group interprets or uses words and phrases in new ways so that often the outside world does not understand.  This jargon consists of thought-terminating clichés, which serve to alter members’ thought processes to conform to the group’s way of thinking. 
  7. Doctrine over person.  Member’s personal experiences are subordinated to the sacred science and any contrary experiences must be denied or reinterpreted to fit the ideology of the group. 
  8. Dispensing of existence.  The group has the prerogative to decide who has the right to exist and who does not.  This is usually not literal but means that those in the outside world are not saved, unenlightened, unconscious and they must be converted to the group’s ideology.  If they do not join the group or are critical of the group, then they must be rejected by the  members.  Thus, the outside world loses all credibility.  In conjunction, should any member leave the group, he or she must be rejected also.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Apparently I Like Sipping Wine

For 16 years I did not touch a drop of alcohol.  When I did drink from the ages of 21-24 I drank like most young adults in the U.S. do, which is a lot.  Actually though after figuring it out with a friend, my drinking during that period was pretty mellow in comparison to most folks.  I got smashed somewhere between 5-10 times (smashed meaning drinking to the point of throwing up).  Quite frankly I hated & still hate throwing up so when an ex got me to try pot, I took to it like a dog to a bone until I retired my ways at 24.  Once weed came into the picture I hardly drank and when I drank I never focused on tasting the beverage.  The point when drinking until I found pot was to party.  The point of drinking after I found pot was to fill in if I ran out.

My high school drinking was also rather sub par in comparison to my peers and really, does anyone before 18 drink alcohol for the taste of it?  Did I sneak it sometimes?  Did I get drunk?  Yes to both questions, but I guess getting drunk twice & drinking about once a month from 16-18 years old is not very much.  Who knew?!

From 18 to 21 years and then age 24 to 2 months ago I didn’t touch any alcohol or  illegal (or now legal marijuana) substances.  I still won’t touch pot (or hard alcohol or drugs) with an 80 ft. pole but that’s another story.  Most of my adult life I’ve been sober.  Not just dry, but in recovery sober.  To be honest I always thought I would be, and today I’m so grateful to be out of recovery and know I’m not and never was an alcoholic.

There is a whole long story around how I came to be in and stay in AA and later Al-anon.  That will be a post for another time.  What I want to say today is that I have left behind a world that never truly felt genuine and for most of those 22 years I tried to make myself fit into a paradigm that never gave me any enduring joy, freedom, or serenity.  If alcohol panic is the means to spiritual enlightenment, then I’ll never get there.

Prior to trying drinking the wife & I came up with some rules.  First & foremost is that we pray before having a glass of wine or beer.  Someone recently thought that was odd when I told them, but we feel nothing should be hidden from the Lord.  Once I try to cover up (like Adam & Eve in the garden) anything I do, then it’s clear I ought not do it.  We also decided to pay attention to our behavior when drinking and committed to never get drunk.  There is a strong Biblical basis for this.

And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit. -Ephesians 5:18

The Bible discusses drinking, especially wine, quite a lot, in both the positive and negative.  There is debate between Christians about what the Word says regarding if believers should drink but it doesn’t appear to be an either/or issue.  What is not ok is drunkenness. And this makes sense because if I’m putting booze first, ultimately that’s idolatry.  In fact most of the times in the Bible where there is a lot of immorality going on, idol worship of various kinds is happening.  One could almost say idolatry & debauchery go together because when we’re not putting the Lord first, were swayed to follow foolish ways.

In a way this is what happened to me in 12 step recovery.  I put AA theology before Jesus Christ.

Over the last couple months our drinking has been tentative.  We’ve taken our explorations one by one asking for God’s protection along the way.  To my amazement not only am I able to stop at one drink, I prefer it!  It is not a joyful experience to feel buzzed.  My friend last week said “I like sipping wine rather than drinking it” and that is the perfect explanation for how I ingest it too.  It’s not a struggle to “keep from drinking too much” or something I have to think much about, though I do continue & will continue to pray about it.  One doesn’t go from brainwashed sober renegade to a lady who knows 2009 was a good year for wine in Chile without some scrutinizing of motives.

All that being said it has been very exciting to learn more about wine and craft beer.  It’s been fun to learn what I like (Cabernet Sauvignon, Viognier, sour ales, and semi dry ciders) and what I don’t (anything sweet or bitter).  At my first ever wine tasting at a lovely winery in Hillsboro I learned that I’m a natural at picking up subtle flavors in smelling and tasting wines and my palette could be of use in the wine business.  Wouldn’t that be a hoot to switch from a life of fear of drinking to working in a business that required my being able to make distinctions in tasting wine?!

How wonderful it has been to be set free and have choices.  Do I have to “control” my drinking?  Sure.  What in life don’t we attempt to control from eating to intimacy to having pets?  All the gifts God gives us requires us to think, evaluate, calibrate, and try to use the gifts to glorify Him.  But that’s what maturity is…having to make choices over and over again if and when we’ve gone too far and sinned.  Instead of eliminating something that is not in and of itself depraved, we bring our burdens to Jesus.

We have been blessed and protected in our wine adventures.  I have this great tee shirt that says “Jesus is enough.”  And truly He is!